April 29, 2010

  • Crazy?!!

    This is the most random return to this place, but that's precisely the point. I feel a little random. A little out if it. A little crazy.

    I've been feeling like this off an on for a little bit, and mostly it's hard to put into words. So I haven't, except now as I'm sitting on a couch in a dorm room that I live in now because I'm a graduate student who is a resident assistant for 20 or so undergraduate girls attempting to write a paper about my experiences interviewing a man via skype I've never met who, despite the fact that he is friends with my boyfriend, is probably the most boring person I've ever met...online and I can't for the life of me make this paper sound good and I'm freaking out because I've been sneezing and blowing my nose and sleeping all day and finally took some drugs as well as a McDonald's mocha frappe which was delicious but is now, in conjunction with said (legal) drugs, probably responsible for the racing thing my heart and brain are doing. I feel just a little crazy. And wondering how I got here. Seriously.

    How did I get here?

    Things happen so quickly. Life happens so quickly, so that even when we're sitting on our asses on a couch being bored we're not realizing how quickly the world moves. I'm 26. I'm 26 freaking years old! When did that happen? How did I miss that? I'm a PhD student? Really? O.M.G! I find myself doing all these things, being a part of all these things, moving, and not quite realizing where I am. I don't remember really how I got here. I love it here. I'm moving, growing, getting better and better at being me (I hope), but I don't remember how I got here. How I got to be 26 and living on my own (so to speak) and learning and earning another degree and...here. I used to be 19. Something about that blows my mind.

    And yet I feel all of those years. Every.Single.One. How can I not? Years are like scars, memories. Reminders that things happened. I'm here because of all that I've done, all that has been done to me. All the life I've lived. I'm here. And I'll be elsewhere in the future. And that's a little crazy too.

    But mostly. It's a good thing. Ok. Heart has sort of stopped doing that racing thing. I'll go back to life.