August 3, 2009

• Fear, Panic and Bed and Breakfasts...

  I have approximately two weeks left on the east coast before moving inland, midwest-ish to Bloomington, Indiana for my PhD. For months I've been having mini panic attacks of sorts; mild things involving no screaming or crying or the stomping of feet, but panic attacks nonetheless. Fear, primarily, is at the root of them all. I have no idea what Bloomington is like, aside from the weekend I spent there in May (the first day of which I called my sister and declared I hated it) where I discovered that it is an hour from a major metropolitan area and is chock full of beautiful, green and plentiful trees (which mostly delights me, but also makes me wonder whether I will go crazy because of all the quiet and non-smog infused air). I move in two weeks, and I'm realizing it is the farthest I have ever moved on my own, and that I'll be there for a longish period of time (3 years if I'm lucky, 4 years at most). I know no one out there really, except for my ex who lives in Chicago, which is decidedly very much north of Bloomington (and in a different state), and an Indiana U student who used to work at my undergraduate institution (but I don't really intend to bother him very much).

  I'll be living in a fabulously cute apartment, but by myself and off campus. Enter the fear. There are a few obvious things to be afraid of: not making friends, doing horribly at school, being shunned by all of Indiana. Clearly these things are next to impossible ( I might manage to get shunned by most of Bloomington...possibly). Really I'm just not looking forward to the work it takes to build a whole new life. To cultivate new friendships, and potentially a romantic involvement (apparently necessary since people seem to think I'll come back from Bloomington engaged, or married with children, or not come back from Bloomington at all because I got engaged, married and had kids there...). The work I'll need to do to succeed academically (which I unequivocally intend to do). The work it'll take to keep myself sane. The work will all get done, but it will be tiring and laborious. I suspect though that much of it will be fun and obviously rewarding. For the moment I think I'm just holding on to the fear because maybe I think I need to.

  So, I have two weeks. And during those two weeks I intend to use my time wisely. Tonight I am at a small Bed and Breakfast in Pennsylvania. I have never ventured to stay in one of these before, and some time ago during a particularly large panic attack I decided to book this place for one night to clear my head. To relax. So far it has been wonderful. Creaky wooden stairs. A one eyed white fluffy dog who jingles when he walks. Floorboards older than anything I own, or could conceive of owning. Clean, but lived in rooms. Wooden armoires of deeply dark colored wood. Fresh cut flowers in a painted vase. Jazz on a small clock radio near the bed. Brightly colored quilt and a white stuffed bunny on the bed. A cookie on a small silver platter brought up and placed in the room by one of the inn owners. Excellent, all of it. I intend to fill the tub down the hall with warm soapy water and sit surrounded by sandal wood scented tea light candles. I also intend to read a book, perhaps in its entirety, in this bed tonight.

  No fear tonight. None at all.

  • 9:19 pm
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