June 15, 2009

• I want to "be" elsewhere...

  I'm looking for somewhere to go.

  Last year around this time...I felt itchy all over. Not physically mind you, but I felt it in my skin, my blood. I wanted to get out, be away from the things that were familiar. I wanted, actually, to get away from myself. Please don't misunderstand. I love who I am, who I am becoming. It takes quite a bit (noticeably or otherwise) to be the people that we are. I love it all, all my decisions and actions, the things that have combined to create me. But we are, as Shakespeare noted, like players. We move, live occasionally, according to the dictates of the world. Environment shapes us, and sometimes it makes us appear in ways we wish not to. I wanted to get away from what I appeared to be (restless, dissatisfied, unhappy). It wasn't the first time.

  The year before that, around fall, I felt the desire to be away even more. It was more desperate then. Odd, because it's still so fresh in my memory. It led me to take a solo trip to Costa Rica, which I enjoyed, but which I wish with all my heart that I could re-do. It is perhaps one of the only things I sort of regret. Not the trip itself, mind you. But my perception of it. I traveled to Costa Rica solo, honestly, out of spite.  To make a long, silly story short, because my ex was traveling to south east Asia for school reasons (and in the process, lengthening the already sizable emotional distance between us with yet more actual distance) I decided I too could add distance. I got on a plane to Costa Rica, which was sort of my way of giving my ex the finger. I don't think he noticed. I was caught between the exhilaration of traveling alone in a Spanish speaking country and practicing said Spanish by reminding various Costa Rican men that "no, I was not married" and "yes I was traveling alone" and "no I was not a teenager, thank you" and being miserable because I had no one to share the emerald green mountains with.

  Now it's a year and a half later, and I am again looking for somewhere to go. In my defense I suspect I will always be looking for somewhere to go, some place else to "be" for a bit. I have nothing against the places that I'm in when I'm in them. But, I like to "be." Elsewhere that is. Remind myself that there are people elsewhere "being" and living in different ways, seeing things the way they see them all the time. The world is not flat. These days I'm looking for somewhere to go, not because I want to be away from myself, but because I'm looking forward to "being" myself self in a different place. To listening to my thoughts while overlooking ruins, or in the midst of rustling trees, or atop a sand pile.

  So. I'm looking for somewhere to go before all thing the things that need to happen before I move, yet again, and start a new chapter of life, yet again. Can't wait to find it.

  • 10:21 pm
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