March 23, 2009

  • Not what I meant to Write About

    I'm tired all the time.

    This isn't the post I meant to write. I was meant to be writing about a personality trait of mine, a particular quality I seem to have that I can't say I admire, which, if I had the strength to write about would be my tendency towards cowardice (what I consider cowardice anyway).

    Instead I'm tired and irritated...like really annoyed, and I am writing about it because that's the only way I can stop being irritated. I don't know what it is. Correction. I know exactly what it is, but I'm not certain why it's affecting me so. Seriously, it's this job. I'm working a full time job, and I'm pretty sure I despise what I'm doing (ok..despise it harsh. Dislike. Don't particularly care for?). I wake up and I drive for almost an hour to get to a place I'd rather not be to deal with people I'd rather not deal with. Then I come home and I have no time to think, no time for myself, to recon the day's happenings, to figure out and deal with what is really important to me, to even find time to think about some things that need thinking about, like my next step, a major decision that I have to make by April 15th. No, instead I come home tired with my skin almost itching from irritation and frustration because I'm so tired and because I have no time and because I'm already tired of hearing myself whine. And this is where tears come in, because what I'm feeling is a mix of things, including the weariness, which results in a confusion of emotional reactions best summed up with salty tears. I've had men tell me they don't understand why women cry when they're angry or frustrated. We aren't sad after all. No, we're not, but my body almost has no idea what to do. How do I express this? This...confusion? This frustration? It's like a little bomb, but one without the force necessary for screaming. I can't even find it in me to scream. Tonight though I can't even cry. I'm too tired. And quite literally done. With it all.

    But there's always the part of me that won't let me get away with this incessant petulance. The part of me that says this is only temporary, not a career, that it pays the bills, that I should be happy I have a job at all so stop whining, shut up and go to bed earlier. The part of me that tries very hard to calm down while listening to Mr. Marley singing about "Good Vibrations", the part that refuses to be weak (because weak is akin to cowardice and neither are savory qualities).

    I'm fighting so much emotional crap these days that I almost can't stand it. I can't even enjoy packing for a much needed trip to Vegas on Wednesday. Imagine that! I'm going away, and I can't quite find it in me to enjoy it.

    Ugh. Perhaps this too shall pass.

Comments (2)

  • Pass it shall, my dear. Hang in there. Sending you hugs and sending up prayers on your behalf.

  • It will pass, honey; and many of us "older folks" have been there. I will also tell you that in my own experiences, there is a cure for feeling that way: start a plan to change what it is you don't like about your life. If it's the job, then make a plan for changing jobs or going in a new direction in the job you have to make it more interesting, challenging, exciting or whatever you're really looking for in a job. I don't mean march in and quit tomorrow--that would be reckless. I mean, start planning for, training for, or looking for the job you DO want.

    Or, (and you can do both of these; it doesn't have to be an "or") spend some time thinking about what you DO like about the job you have now and find ways to maximize those parts of it. If you've got a long drive to get there, get some books on tape & enjoy that time. Get a cell phone headset and use that drive time to catch up with family & friends who likely miss you. If you like the "people parts" of your job, focus on those parts. Treat the other, less desirable parts of the job like the chore that they are: something to be done quickly, efficiently, and effectively so you can get back to the "good stuff."

    That's it. That's all the advice I got for a Tuesday afternoon. I hope it helps.

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