February 3, 2009
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Being honest
The last time I cried in my car for academic reasons I had just transferred from the Linguistics department. I knew that, despite my interest in languages, Linguistics graduate study was not for me. So I applied mid year to another department and was blessed to get in. But that first semester was rough. I'm an intelligent person. I know that. Still. after a few classes that semester my confidence in my intelligence wavered. I felt like the work I was doing was sub-par. I felt stupid. Every day for a while (maybe a two to four week period) I would leave class utterly exhausted mentally. I would get into my car, shut the door and cry. There were deep sobs of woe, complete with dripping hot, wet tears. I had no shame. I felt horrible. Then I got over it, regained my confidence. Knew myself better.
Today, I got into my car again and cried for the first time in two years. The tears blocked my vision as I drove to work, and my sobs filled the silence of the car. I didn't care. I had no shame. I found out today that I didn't do very well on the second half of my Master's exam (which I had suspected directly after taking the thing). It's a comprehensive exam that took 6 hours. After the first half I felt good (I passed that part), but by the second half I was tired and nervous and really just wanted it all to end. I left doubting how well I did. For good reason apparently.
I'm so disappointed. I have another chance to take it clearly, before getting my degree (hopefully!) in May. I just had/have so many things on my mind. So much to do. I'm so disappointed and so very sad, but I know that I have another opportunity, and that I am inordinately blessed. Things always tend to work out in my favor.
Eventually I dried my tears, got out of my car and walked to work. No more tears.
Comments (7)
My dear, I have every confidence in you!
I'm positive you'll do well. I'll be praying for your continued success.
pls don't be sad.these things happen sometimes but it will not defeat you.You are in my prayers and I'm sure you'll do fine.
Learning to deal with life's disappointments helps us appreciate life's blessings even more. It's kinda like how the sunshine looks so much better after a few rainy days... Hang in there, honey. It will work out & you will achieve your goals... because you know to keep trying until you do succeed in attaining them.
@TheLoquaciousLady - Thank you darling! I will keep that in mind when I eventually retake it.
@MyxlDove - I'll need the prayer. Thanks so much
@preetylenses - Yeah, I'm working on the not defeated part. I'm realizing that I am stronger than I think. Thank you for the concern
@Shirlann - You are so very right. What is life, after all, without a little disappointment. Thanks so much for the kind words. I feel better already!
i completely understand. more than you could ever know.
(((Hugs)))
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