October 19, 2008

  • Today is my birthday...

    Today is my birthday, and it's a beautiful day.

    I stared out the sliding glass door in my mother's living room in NJ as I stood over her,  listening to her, curling her hair, taking care of her today on the day that I was born, on the day that she gave birth to me. "It happened at 7am. Yuh uncle Andrew drove me to the hospital I think. That was the day Bishop die yuh know. I remember your uncle Valier visiting me and telling me that they kill Bishop. He was a good leader in Grenada. You born on a memorable day." I've heard this story of my beginning from her before, and every year I get just a little more information, just a little better of a picture of that day 25 years ago.

    The trees are orange, and red and purple. And the sky is blue. It's a beautiful day, maybe just because it's my birthday. My mother is asking me about my future and it pains me, because on this birthday, more than any other birthday my future is...I can't describe it. Uncertain? Hazy? None of those describes it because generally speaking uncertain doesn't bother me. But something about it today, bothers me. Scares me. It's bad enough I've been hovering close to tears all morning, not all of them bad or sad tears, but tears just the same. It's my birthday.

    I celebrated on Friday night with a large group of people, eating and dancing and smiling. I celebrated Saturday night by attending a step show my brother co-hosted, laughing and poking fun with one of my high school friends at barely dressed undergraduate girls in red dresses and heels trying to impress undergraduate boys, laughing at myself for remembering that I used to be just like them (minus the red dresses). Today is my birthday and it is quiet and I can see the leaves from the door, and I can see the charcoal drawing of myself that was done in New York on my 19th birthday. And there is nowhere near the hustle and bustle of the last two days, but I think I'm ok with that.

    Because this birthday is different. This birthday sees me without people I've spent the last five birthdays with, but has also included new people, people I've only spent a few months with but who are now a part of my life. This birthday has me emotional. For various reasons. But I think I'm ok with that.

    Today is my birthday, and it's a beautiful day. And I think it'll be a beautiful week.

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